Thursday, July 16, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
So there I was one day sitting on this park bench...
OK, so I'm not really sitting on a park bench but I am sitting at work on a chair with wheels so it's kinda the same this right?
I finally got the tattoo I designed nearly 10 years ago
and am very please. Now I am thinking about the next one. :o)
I am about to do my 6th Red Ribbon Ride next week so hopefully I will be motivated enough to blog a bit with some pictures, if I can figure it out from my iPhone. I am very excited to see my RRR peeps. It's so strange that most of us live in the same area but I only see them once a year. I started out with good intentions of training for the ride this year but only managed to get in about 4 long rides. I really need to change some of my priorities in life and ride more, relax more and learn to follow my own intuition.
Well, I am off to yet another meeting but am looking forward to spin class tonight.
Stay tunes and I will try to make the next entry a little more interesting. :o)
Live Long, Laugh Hard and Love Always...
Reeeshar
I can't believe it's been a year since my last post. How can there be so much and so little to say all at the same time.
In the last year I started working for a company close to my house which I was very excited about especially since shortly after I started, gas prices jumped to over $4.00. I'm still excited about the lack of commute and the job itself has potential but there are issues. I think they can be overcome eventually but it still doesn't make it any less annoying.
I finally got the tattoo I designed nearly 10 years ago
and am very please. Now I am thinking about the next one. :o)I am about to do my 6th Red Ribbon Ride next week so hopefully I will be motivated enough to blog a bit with some pictures, if I can figure it out from my iPhone. I am very excited to see my RRR peeps. It's so strange that most of us live in the same area but I only see them once a year. I started out with good intentions of training for the ride this year but only managed to get in about 4 long rides. I really need to change some of my priorities in life and ride more, relax more and learn to follow my own intuition.
Well, I am off to yet another meeting but am looking forward to spin class tonight.
Stay tunes and I will try to make the next entry a little more interesting. :o)
Live Long, Laugh Hard and Love Always...
Reeeshar
Monday, December 1, 2008
Just For Fun - Remembering Childhood Joys
What happened to me? Where did I go and what have I become? More importantly, HOW did I let myself get to this.
I just read one of my daily inspirational emails titled "Just For Fun - Remembering Childhood Joys" and I immediately thought about something that happened to me this past weekend.
It was the day after Thanksgiving (Black Friday) and we were headed to Target so I was expecting the worst. It may have been different if just before getting out of the car Scott hadn't commented on something (I can't remember what) but then promptly finished the statement with "go ahead and argue" and I was like "what are you talking about?" followed by "YOU are the one who argues about everything" and then Scott said "I think you think that I am the one who argues about everything but it's actually you" Anyway, that set the tone for our Black Friday Target trip.
Surprisingly enough it wasn't crowded at all like it usually is the day after Thanksgiving but given the fact that I was already super annoyed and now trying to think of every conversation I have ever had with everyone in the world over my entire life to figure out if I do argue with everyone every time anyone says something.
Ok, so there was this boy pushing who I assume to be his little sister in a shopping cart. they were all over the place, sliding from one isle to the next. Skidding the cart back and forth and I was getting increasingly more and more annoyed. So this little boy (Maybe 10 years old) was now speeding up, slowing down, speeding up, slowing down then BAM!!! out of nowhere I push my cart into him. WTF!!! The kid is like 10 years old and I am 41.
Really???
Has it come to this???
Of course that was followed by the kid looking back at me not like I was a big o asshole but more like "Gee Mister, I was just trying to have fun with my little sister and thought it was totally harmless and didn't think I was bothering anyone and I'm really sorry me being a child has totally f'kd up your universe"
Now that I totally wanted to crawl into a hole and just curl up and die when round 2 hit. Scotty said "OMG you totally did that on purpose" followed by "That was really mean" all while having the troubled and concerned look on his has that said "who the hell are you anyway"
The ironic thing is, is that I went to Target to get stuff to bake cookies to give to people over the Holidays. Talk about Holiday Cheer!
I came into work this morning and my "Daily Om" reads:
November 28, 2008
Just For Fun
Remembering Childhood Joys
As adults, we often get so caught up in "grown up" business that we can forget how to have pure fun. This is not the kind of fun that comes from doing a specific kind of activity or being in a specific mood for fun. Rather, this is the fun born from the state of pure being. You see this kind of fun in small children who are so busy being fully present to their lives and in their own bodies that the glow of fun radiates from them just because they are alive.
Of course the first thing I think about is the boy and the shopping cart and the fact that I sat in the bathroom crying once I got home.
I would like to blame everyone, ANYONE else but the truth is I either I need to own it, let it go, or move on.
The last part of the "Daily Om" reads"
Pure fun happens when we are fully engaged with ourselves and our world in each moment. It is the spontaneous delight that bubbles out of us when we let go long enough to bring it through; it is the experience of natural, organic pleasure that springs up from our bellies, through our souls, up through our faces, and down to our toes. We’ve naturally known how to have pure fun since we were babies and the flicker of lights caused us to jump to attention from the sheer enjoyment of being able to see. Approach your life today with the knowledge that pure fun isn’t something that is given or done to you; rather, it is something that you allow yourself to experience.
I will find my way back even if it means running over a 10 year old with a shopping cart at Target except this time it will be because I racing WITH him.
Much Peace and Love...
Reeeshar
I just read one of my daily inspirational emails titled "Just For Fun - Remembering Childhood Joys" and I immediately thought about something that happened to me this past weekend.
It was the day after Thanksgiving (Black Friday) and we were headed to Target so I was expecting the worst. It may have been different if just before getting out of the car Scott hadn't commented on something (I can't remember what) but then promptly finished the statement with "go ahead and argue" and I was like "what are you talking about?" followed by "YOU are the one who argues about everything" and then Scott said "I think you think that I am the one who argues about everything but it's actually you" Anyway, that set the tone for our Black Friday Target trip.
Surprisingly enough it wasn't crowded at all like it usually is the day after Thanksgiving but given the fact that I was already super annoyed and now trying to think of every conversation I have ever had with everyone in the world over my entire life to figure out if I do argue with everyone every time anyone says something.
Ok, so there was this boy pushing who I assume to be his little sister in a shopping cart. they were all over the place, sliding from one isle to the next. Skidding the cart back and forth and I was getting increasingly more and more annoyed. So this little boy (Maybe 10 years old) was now speeding up, slowing down, speeding up, slowing down then BAM!!! out of nowhere I push my cart into him. WTF!!! The kid is like 10 years old and I am 41.
Really???
Has it come to this???
Of course that was followed by the kid looking back at me not like I was a big o asshole but more like "Gee Mister, I was just trying to have fun with my little sister and thought it was totally harmless and didn't think I was bothering anyone and I'm really sorry me being a child has totally f'kd up your universe"
Now that I totally wanted to crawl into a hole and just curl up and die when round 2 hit. Scotty said "OMG you totally did that on purpose" followed by "That was really mean" all while having the troubled and concerned look on his has that said "who the hell are you anyway"
The ironic thing is, is that I went to Target to get stuff to bake cookies to give to people over the Holidays. Talk about Holiday Cheer!
I came into work this morning and my "Daily Om" reads:
November 28, 2008
Just For Fun
Remembering Childhood Joys
As adults, we often get so caught up in "grown up" business that we can forget how to have pure fun. This is not the kind of fun that comes from doing a specific kind of activity or being in a specific mood for fun. Rather, this is the fun born from the state of pure being. You see this kind of fun in small children who are so busy being fully present to their lives and in their own bodies that the glow of fun radiates from them just because they are alive.
Of course the first thing I think about is the boy and the shopping cart and the fact that I sat in the bathroom crying once I got home.
I would like to blame everyone, ANYONE else but the truth is I either I need to own it, let it go, or move on.
The last part of the "Daily Om" reads"
Pure fun happens when we are fully engaged with ourselves and our world in each moment. It is the spontaneous delight that bubbles out of us when we let go long enough to bring it through; it is the experience of natural, organic pleasure that springs up from our bellies, through our souls, up through our faces, and down to our toes. We’ve naturally known how to have pure fun since we were babies and the flicker of lights caused us to jump to attention from the sheer enjoyment of being able to see. Approach your life today with the knowledge that pure fun isn’t something that is given or done to you; rather, it is something that you allow yourself to experience.
I will find my way back even if it means running over a 10 year old with a shopping cart at Target except this time it will be because I racing WITH him.
Much Peace and Love...
Reeeshar
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Sit still Dorian... Dammit... Click.
So, Dorian my 15 year old premadonna baby would not sit still for nothing. She hates life, she hates the camera and right now she really hates me. hehe
She really hates when anything AT ALL upsets her routine or invades her space. I took her to the Doc the other day and found out that she has Thyroid Disease and now they want to inject her with a radioactive iodine. Doesn't that sound pleasant? Just taking her to the Doc in the 1st place was an interesting task and when the Doc came back and said that they were unable to obtain a stool sample so they WENT IN TO CHECK THINGS OUT I just knew I would pay and not just the $300 vet bill but the way that only Dorian knows how to make one pay.
It's been almost a week and I still wake up in the middle of the night with her sitting just inches from my face looking down at me kind of silently telling me the she still remembers, finding little gifts left in my shoes or just outside the litter box letting me know that she could have made IF she really wanted to.
Next week sometime I will be taking her back to the Doc to get her "Treatment" and because it is radioactive she has to stay there for up to 14 days.
I am in sssooo much trouble...
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
AIDS, Meth and life in the 80's
It was 24 years ago, I was 17 years old and it was 1984. The Soviets boycotted the summer Olympics, Apple introduced the first personal computer, Ronald Reagan was elected for the second term and Cyndi Lauper won the Grammy for Best New Artist.
I moved out of my parents’ home and in with friends at the age of 16 and by 16 and a half I was living on the streets. I tried to enlist in the US Air Force but since I did not have a High School Diploma I was not accepted. I enlisted in the US Navy when I was 17 and a half and was ready to ship out when I was ordered to report to Naval Headquarters in Oakland, CA. “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” was not an option and if you were gay and you wanted to enlist in any branch of the US Military you needed to lie.
On that day, what I thought was a lonely and miserable life suddenly looked much brighter compared to where my life was about to take me.
On that day, I was not only told that I was a liar but that I was also going to die and the US Navy or any branch of US Military had no use for people like me. I was forced to sign papers acknowledging that I lied and that if I tried to re-enlist that I would spend my entire term in Military prison. I was then escorted out of the building, alone, miserable and now apparently terminally ill with something called AIDS.
At 18 years old I was introduced to Crystal Meth and Crank. Suddenly everything seemed to burn so much brighter. I was finally attractive, I had friends, I was socially apt, I had a job and I could get so much done and still go out and party. I was “In control” and in my mind; nobody could tell that I used drugs.
Over the next several years I was hospitalized for dehydration and malnutrition, wrote in excess of $50,000.00 in bad checks as well as spending time in jail for writing the bad checks, my stomach was in the process of digesting itself and I was bleeding out of my rectum but still I thought I was in control and nobody could tell I used drugs.
After hearing about this “Gay Disease” called AIDS for a number of years now I decided that maybe I should seek out a doctor. Instead of going to a doctor and giving them my life history I went into a clinic and re-tested for HIV/AIDS and had to pretend I was shocked when the results not only came back positive but that I also had zero t-cells which meant I had no immune system left and my viral load was in the millions at that time. I had no idea what any of that meant and even as the doctor was trying to explain it to me all I could think about was doing another line.
I didn’t go back to the doctor for another couple of years. It wasn’t until I was having trouble taking deep breaths and I couldn’t walk up a set of stairs without taking a break because I was out of breath. It turned out I had something called Pneumocystis carinii pneumonia or PCP. I was in the hospital for a couple of weeks and life was rosie again. After a 2 week break from drugs I could do a line and it was like the first time and once again I felt like I was on top of the world, in control and had no worries.
I remember sitting in my house alone at about 2am, everyone was either out at a club or on a drug run. I was freezing to death and no amount of clothes or blankets would make me feel warm. I went to the hot tub about 3am hoping it would help me shake the chill I had and as I sat in the hot tub shivering and doing lines it dawned on me that something might be wrong. The next day I was hospitalized once again with PCP.
I was about 28 years old and I don’t know how or why but I didn’t realize until that moment that I had spent the last 10 years in a lie. A lie that hurt many people and a lie that if I let continue would inevitably kill me.
So, there I was. 28 years old, no job, no money, no immune system and was told yet again that I had a maximum of 3 months to live and now I cared. But cared about what? I had been numb for almost 10 years and didn’t know what I wanted and the friends I thought I had couldn’t be bothered. It’s like I had just been transported back to that day of my original diagnosis except that not only was I was alone and miserable, I was almost 30 years old and I was dying and nobody cared. But “I” cared, didn’t count for something?
I am now almost 41 years old, my t-cells range from 600 to 900 and my viral load has been undetectable for nearly 12 years. I had a brief relapse with drugs about 6 years ago but when I realized that everything I had worked so hard to accomplish started to become less and less important and I needed to stop or it would be all over.
It’s funny, I stress out over some of the smallest things. I still have to remind myself from time to time that’s it’s better to feel stressed out, depressed, happy or even angry then to not feel at all.
I have learned a lot over the years but I think the most important things I have learned is to accept the things that you cannot change, be true to yourself, don’t sweat the small stuff and as cheesy as it sounds, live each day as if it were your last.
Just Be…
Reeeshar
I moved out of my parents’ home and in with friends at the age of 16 and by 16 and a half I was living on the streets. I tried to enlist in the US Air Force but since I did not have a High School Diploma I was not accepted. I enlisted in the US Navy when I was 17 and a half and was ready to ship out when I was ordered to report to Naval Headquarters in Oakland, CA. “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” was not an option and if you were gay and you wanted to enlist in any branch of the US Military you needed to lie.
On that day, what I thought was a lonely and miserable life suddenly looked much brighter compared to where my life was about to take me.
On that day, I was not only told that I was a liar but that I was also going to die and the US Navy or any branch of US Military had no use for people like me. I was forced to sign papers acknowledging that I lied and that if I tried to re-enlist that I would spend my entire term in Military prison. I was then escorted out of the building, alone, miserable and now apparently terminally ill with something called AIDS.
At 18 years old I was introduced to Crystal Meth and Crank. Suddenly everything seemed to burn so much brighter. I was finally attractive, I had friends, I was socially apt, I had a job and I could get so much done and still go out and party. I was “In control” and in my mind; nobody could tell that I used drugs.
Over the next several years I was hospitalized for dehydration and malnutrition, wrote in excess of $50,000.00 in bad checks as well as spending time in jail for writing the bad checks, my stomach was in the process of digesting itself and I was bleeding out of my rectum but still I thought I was in control and nobody could tell I used drugs.
After hearing about this “Gay Disease” called AIDS for a number of years now I decided that maybe I should seek out a doctor. Instead of going to a doctor and giving them my life history I went into a clinic and re-tested for HIV/AIDS and had to pretend I was shocked when the results not only came back positive but that I also had zero t-cells which meant I had no immune system left and my viral load was in the millions at that time. I had no idea what any of that meant and even as the doctor was trying to explain it to me all I could think about was doing another line.
I didn’t go back to the doctor for another couple of years. It wasn’t until I was having trouble taking deep breaths and I couldn’t walk up a set of stairs without taking a break because I was out of breath. It turned out I had something called Pneumocystis carinii pneumonia or PCP. I was in the hospital for a couple of weeks and life was rosie again. After a 2 week break from drugs I could do a line and it was like the first time and once again I felt like I was on top of the world, in control and had no worries.
I remember sitting in my house alone at about 2am, everyone was either out at a club or on a drug run. I was freezing to death and no amount of clothes or blankets would make me feel warm. I went to the hot tub about 3am hoping it would help me shake the chill I had and as I sat in the hot tub shivering and doing lines it dawned on me that something might be wrong. The next day I was hospitalized once again with PCP.
I was about 28 years old and I don’t know how or why but I didn’t realize until that moment that I had spent the last 10 years in a lie. A lie that hurt many people and a lie that if I let continue would inevitably kill me.
So, there I was. 28 years old, no job, no money, no immune system and was told yet again that I had a maximum of 3 months to live and now I cared. But cared about what? I had been numb for almost 10 years and didn’t know what I wanted and the friends I thought I had couldn’t be bothered. It’s like I had just been transported back to that day of my original diagnosis except that not only was I was alone and miserable, I was almost 30 years old and I was dying and nobody cared. But “I” cared, didn’t count for something?
I am now almost 41 years old, my t-cells range from 600 to 900 and my viral load has been undetectable for nearly 12 years. I had a brief relapse with drugs about 6 years ago but when I realized that everything I had worked so hard to accomplish started to become less and less important and I needed to stop or it would be all over.
It’s funny, I stress out over some of the smallest things. I still have to remind myself from time to time that’s it’s better to feel stressed out, depressed, happy or even angry then to not feel at all.
I have learned a lot over the years but I think the most important things I have learned is to accept the things that you cannot change, be true to yourself, don’t sweat the small stuff and as cheesy as it sounds, live each day as if it were your last.
Just Be…
Reeeshar
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